You’ve had enough.

Enough with comparing with others and always falling short. Enough with the opportunities lost and attempts missed, only because you thought you couldn’t handle them.

You have identified (maybe rightly so) that your low self-esteem, that has been hounding you forever, is the main culprit. You are determined to do something about it.

You hit Google. The internet with all its glory shows a bounty of information about increasing self-esteem.

But after sifting through a few articles, you are thoroughly confused. So many of them feel like they have been regurgitated from each other!

And what’s worse, some of the advice even conflicts with each other. 

Just when you found a shiny new tool called affirmations with the enticing promise of curing all of your woes, out of the blue appears another article and denounces them as utter garbage.

You wanted clarity, but end up more confused and frustrated. It’s like traveling through Daedalus’s maze with dead-ends at (almost) every turn.

And now you are thinking, “Am I the only one who is unable to find answers?”

But you don’t need to be Theseus and wander within the labyrinth. There are tons of great articles out there that can help you in every stage of your journey to build your self-esteem. 

They describe high self-esteem and how it manifests, provide guidance and best practices to build or boost self-esteem, tell you the caveats of the process, develop your self-confidence and self-compassion and even provide alternative(but thoughtful) takes on the subject. 

I have compiled this list of 19 best articles for you, that covers all of the above. I also reached out to the authors of the articles to get a more comprehensive peek into their minds. Many of them responded with thoughtful comments. I’ve compiled their responses as well. 

I hope you will find this string helpful while navigating the maze. 

Let’s dive in.

The Portrait: What is Self-Esteem And How it Manifests?

1. What is Self-Esteem? ~ by Darlene Lancer

In this article, relationship expert and author Darlene Lancer, LMFT, defines what self-esteem is, and how healthy self-esteem differs from impaired self-esteem. 

She explores the reasons for impaired self-esteem, how it affects relationships, and recommends Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) along with meditation – which helps in raising self-esteem by increasing self-awareness.

Darlene concludes by sharing a few practical measures like rooting out false beliefs and journaling, that you can do on your own to raise your self-esteem.

Why it stands apart

Darlene Lancer has imparted her knowledge gained from 30 years of professional experience of practice as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in this article. The well-defined, side-by-side comparison between healthy and impaired self-esteem stands out as extremely useful.

A Peek Inside the Author’s Mind

[Resilient Human] “Do you think there can be such a thing as too much self-esteem? After all, there are violent criminals and narcissists out there who definitely think the world of themselves. So what are the possible checks and balances? How does someone know if their inflated sense of self-worth has encroached into the dangerous realms of narcissism?”

[Darlene Lancer] “I don’t like the terms high and low self-esteem. If you read more of my blogs and books, I prefer the term “impaired self-esteem”. Narcissists have impaired self-esteem that isn’t in accord with reality. People who think much less of themselves than others, suffer from impaired self-esteem as well.”

2. Magnetic Self-Esteem ~ by Steven Handel

Steven Handel, in this article, tells us the tell-tale signs of high self-esteem and how it manifests. 

He explains how self-esteem has a magnetic or contagious nature, and how the one possessing it becomes an endless source of inspiration for others. He also describes how others feel comfortable around someone with high self-esteem and are compelled towards them. 

Steven concludes that people with high-self esteem thrive on building others up, not putting them down. They are comfortable in their skin and they make others feel good about themselves.

Why it stands apart

This article takes a very different approach. Instead of throwing around a bunch of advice, it illustrates a picture of high self-esteem, so that you can differentiate between the authentic and the fake. 

Groundwork: How to Build Self-Esteem

3. How to Build Self Esteem (A Guide to Realize Your Hidden Power) ~ by Tracy Kennedy

In this Lifehack article, Tracy Kennedy defines the source and symptoms of low self-esteem. 

She follows up with a kick-ass infographic which can be used as a guide to assess your own self-esteem. She also adds a step-by-step guide to build self-esteem.

Why it stands apart

The self-esteem assessment infographic, in this article, is jam-packed with value. Tracy describes a vicious cycle created by low self-esteem – a cycle creating a self-sustaining prophecy with negative thoughts, anxiety, failure, and self-blame – that really hits a chord.

4. 7 Ways to Build High Self-Esteem ~ by Nick Wignall

In this article, Nick Wignall, a clinical psychologist by day and writer by the early morning hours, sets up a simple premise. 

He recommends that we stop thinking of ourselves as someone with low self-esteem, and instead consider ourself as someone trying to build high self-esteem. This simple switch in the frame of mind gives us an immense advantage in our journey to build self-esteem.

He then follows it up and delivers a set of actionable, high-impact and value-packed exercises you can incorporate in your life to gradually build high self-esteem.

Why it stands apart

The article stands out for the simple, building-blocks strategy it prescribes for nurturing high self-esteem. It lays the foundation to follow Nick’s core method, which is to shift focus from outcomes to growth; and then it provides all the raw materials needed to build up the practices.

A Peek Inside the Author’s Mind

[Resilient Human] “What are your thoughts about the methods and tools (the widely accepted and used Rosenberg Self-Esteem Scale for instance) by which academia started gathering data on self-esteem in the 1960s? 

[Nick Wignall] “I think self-esteem is a notoriously hard thing to measure and quantify. To me, it’s a bit like happiness. It’s a real thing and we all want more of it, but the more you try to chase after it directly (or measure it) the more it seems to slip away.”

5. 3 Powerful Habits for Building Your Self-Esteem ~ by Louise Hay

Louise Hay, in this article, begins with a core tenet:

“If you would like to build your self-esteem, remember to love yourself daily.”

Louise says that the process of developing self-worth can be “learned” irrespective of our experience. But she concedes that loving ourselves and staying true to ourselves, irrespective of the past hurts, can be a real struggle.

Louise urges to let go of negative self-talk and not dwell on past mistakes. She also lists down the tangible benefits that you can reap from loving and being compassionate to yourself.

Louise wraps up by sharing 3 powerful daily tools that we can use to practice self-love and being our true selves.

Why it stands apart

This article sets itself apart with pure empathy. The compassionate and conversational tone of the article feels like a healing balm for the aching soul.

6. How to Build Self-Esteem During Recovery From an Addiction ~ by Dr. Elizabeth Hartney

In this article, psychologist, professor, and author Dr. Elizabeth Hartney, right away, establishes the relationship between low self-esteem and addiction (substance abuse as well as behavioral addictions).

She then shows a road to recovery and building self-esteem (damaged further by the addiction) paved with small behavior changes. Self-forgiveness and compassion are the main underlying principles of these changes.

Why it stands apart

This article makes its mark with a laser-like focus on the self-esteem related challenges that people struggling with addiction face. 

Dr. Hartney, who holds an impressive array of credentials and has held numerous relevant roles, has shared her hard-won experience through this article. Medically reviewed, this is a valuable article for anyone who is looking for an intervention about their addiction.

Development: How to Boost Self-Esteem

7. 6 Powerful Ways To Enhance Your Self-Esteem ~ by Tony Fahkry

Who are you? Are you just your thoughts, your beliefs or values? That cannot be it, since these are merely qualities you possess and they change with time. 

Then what is the essence of who you really are?

In this article, self-empowerment author, expert speaker, and coach Tony Fahkry explores the answer to these questions and recommends a few principles that will help reinforce your sense of self-worth and self-esteem.

As you follow these principles, your true self will emerge, leaving behind the fragmented and fractured image that you had created for yourself. 

“This is the essence of who you are,” Tony asserts, “and your low self-worth is merely a story you adopted against your better judgment.”

Why it stands apart

Instead of exercises, this article provides a set of guiding principles focused on building a lasting change that leads to complete self-acceptance.

These principles champion self-compassion and self-reflection and will act as a guard rail to avoid detours in the journey of enhancing self-esteem.

8. Three Superb Exercises For Boosting Your Self-Esteem ~ by Marelisa Fabrega

On the other hand, in this article, writer and modern-day Renaissance woman Marelisa Fabrega picks up a different approach; she focuses on immediately actionable steps you can perform to boost your self-esteem.

These steps allow you to contemplate your positive qualities, shift your perspective and urges you to think clearly to get back in touch with reality.

They also serve as a method to challenge your inner critic and celebrate your personal strengths.

Why it stands apart

This article stands apart in its clarity and simplicity. It doesn’t dwell in pretentiousness; instead, it shares a few simple steps to feel good about yourselves. Nothing more and nothing less.

9. How to Increase Your Self-Esteem ~ by Ramit Sethi

NY Times bestselling author and entrepreneur Ramit Sethi, who teaches predominantly about personal finances and ways to make more money, has also penned down a brilliant article on increasing self-esteem.

In this article, Ramit shares three simple changes you can make in your life to improve your self-esteem. 

He talks about the invisible scripts running in our heads that keep us stuck and make us feel like we’re not good enough. He then shares a technique to turn those invisible scripts around so they no longer run our life on auto-pilot.

He also shares two more strategies that involve building small habits and increasing likability (sound incredible, right?), which in turn helps in increasing your self-esteem.

Why it stands apart

This article, from the master copywriter, is a breeze to read because of its conversational tone. It is also stuffed with value – beautiful infographics and even a bonus video by Olivia Fox Cabane, author of The Charisma Myth, where she explains why most social skills advice is garbage and shares what actually works.

Nurture: How to Fortify Self-worth

10. 5 Ways to Develop Self-Worth (When You Never Feel Good Enough) ~ by Mateo Sol

In this article, Mateo Sol defines what self-worth is and then moves on to clarify the differences between self-worth and self-esteem.

Mateo then explores 15 clear signs which tell if you are suffering from low self-worth, ranging from struggles to set strong personal boundaries, putting other’s needs above your own to the more insidious ones like not knowing what your true needs are.

He then delves into the reasons for low self-worth – the emotional as well as the spiritual aspects.

Drawing to a close, Mateo emphasizes on the importance of self-worth and shares 5 practices to cultivate it, which includes choosing a mantra for yourself, and means to express yourself like journaling.

Why it stands apart

This article considers the subject of soul and spirituality into the equation of self-esteem. It also introduces concepts and phenomenons like soul loss and archetypes of personality structures, which, in my opinion, is a really intriguing and off-the-beaten-track take on the subject.

A Peek Inside the Author’s Mind

[Resilient Human] “You have talked about rewriting core beliefs through a mantra, but how is that different from affirmations (which are mostly thought to be ineffective by so many)?”

[Mateo Sol] “The distinction I see between Affirmations and Mantras is that affirmations aim at improving the sense of “I”, which is a temporary solution, as the “I” or ego is dependent on our assessment of our value in comparison to others. 

Mantras, on the other hand, have more of a spiritual dimension rather than just psychological. They make our “I” or ego more open, more receptive to our sense of connection and belonging to the world around us. They are transpersonal, if you will, so our source of value doesn’t come from the “I am this or that” but rather the source comes from our unique place in the world, our uniqueness in who we are, our unique manifestation of spirit.”

Augmentation: How to Build Self-confidence

11. What is Self-Confidence? + 9 Ways to Increase It ~ by Courtney E. Ackerman

In this article,  Courtney E. Ackerman, M.A., describes how the self-esteem movement was brought into being in 1969 by psychologist Nathaniel Branden, who argued that most mental or emotional problems people faced could be traced back to low self-esteem. 

She goes deeper into the concept of self-esteem, drawing deeply from the pioneers of the subject, Morris Rosenberg and Nathaniel Branden and dissociates the overlapping concepts of self-efficacy, self-confidence, and self-esteem. 

She also touches upon the other prominent theories and frameworks for understanding self-esteem like Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, Terror Management Theory and Sociometer Theory.

Courtney recounts the importance of self-confidence and how it’s associated with better health, better social lives, and protection against mental disorders and social problems. 

But, she warns against the negative consequences of self-esteem education (low motivation, narcissism) where children receive praise for very little accomplishment.

Courtney concludes that increasing healthy self-confidence is a gradual and continuous process and shares 9 practices that will help you in increasing self-confidence; practices that are reviewed and backed up by multiple studies. 

Why it stands apart

This is one of the most comprehensive, unbiased and well-researched articles out there with tons of references to past researches.

Replete with videos relevant to the subject, it can act as a one-stop-shop for someone who wants to have a thorough understanding of the concept of self-esteem and self-confidence.

A Peek Inside the Author’s Mind

[Resilient Human] “Do you think there can be such a thing as too much self-esteem? If yes, then what are the possible checks and balances? How does someone know if their inflated sense of self-worth has encroached into the dangerous realms of narcissism?”

[Courtney E. Ackerman] “I would say that I see self-esteem and narcissism as two separate constructs. I think a person could have low self-esteem but be narcissistic, and that a person with extremely high self-esteem does not have to be narcissistic.

To me, self-esteem is holding yourself in high regard and accepting yourself as a person, without comparing to anyone else, while narcissism is tied to being “better” than people around you. I don’t think anyone should worry about accidentally becoming a narcissist when they aim to increase their self-esteem, as long as they take a self-focus rather than an other-focus.”

12. How To Build The Self-Confidence You Need To Win At Life ~ by Darius Foroux

In this article, Darius Foroux asserts that whatever your wants may be, they don’t matter unless you have self-confidence – either self-confidence to sink your teeth and pursue your dreams, or self-confidence to stand your ground.

He points out how a lack of self-confidence has been associated with issues like depression, loneliness, and lower life satisfaction.

He then goes on to establish a relationship between self-confidence and competency and describes how they compliment each other. A sustainable, useful strategy is to have a combination of both.

Darius lays down a framework to build self-confidence which involves improving competencies, putting them into practice, seeing results, growing more confident … and then rinsing and repeating.

He concludes by stating a few skills and competencies which he believes every person should build and can benefit from; they are:

• Emotional intelligence
• Self-awareness
• Problem-solving

Why it stands apart

This is a short, no flab article that gets direct to the point. It spells out the flaws in traditional self-help advice, gets to the meat of building self-confidence, cuts through the cobwebs of usual excuses of not following through and recommends a good set of core competencies to improve.

A Peek Inside the Author’s Mind

[Resilient Human] “I believe, if a person doesn’t believe that he’s worthy of the rewards that his capability can bring, the results are still sub-par. What are your views on that? Apart from developing competency, do you think self-worth or self-compassion is also crucial in order to develop true self-esteem?”

[Darius Foroux] “I definitely agree. We must respect ourselves and take our well-being seriously.”

13. A Thoughtful Guide on How to Be More Confident ~ by Joshua Becker

Joshua Becker, in this article, highlights the importance of learning to be confident. Lack of confidence, he surmises, and fear of rejection affects our decision making and makes us adopt the values of a group and go with predominant culture.

Joshua emphasizes that with a lack of confidence, our need for belonging, love, and acceptance becomes stronger, which leads to undesirable things like substance abuse and sexual misadventures to fulfill those needs. 

Even in adulthood, this manifests in possession of material goods and the need to impress others.

But self-confidence, Joshua explains, redirects our lives and makes us realize that we are more than the latest trends. Instead, it ignites the desire to follow our heart and soul.

He concludes by sharing a few practical tips to learn how to be more confident and embrace a healthy view of self-confidence.

Why it stands apart

This article manages to tie overspending, frivolous behavior of youth and lack of financial wisdom in adults to lack of self-confidence. It acts as a guide to overcoming these impulses and motivates towards pursuing a passion. 

14. 10 Insanely Popular Ways to Weaken Your Self-Confidence ~ by Marc Chernoff

In this article, Marc Chernoff starts with a true story about standing up to bullies and states the importance of self-confidence to counter bullying.

He then details some insanely popular confidence-killing behaviors which we indulge in and need to avoid – behaviors like getting caught up in the needless drama and seeking approvals from everyone.

Marc also cautions against second-guessing our intuitions and overcompensating behaviors like needing to always be right and unwillingness to listen to others.

He concludes by urging us to stop hiding from new life experiences and lessons and start believing in ourselves.

Why it stands apart

This article takes a roundabout approach and lists the 10 all-too-common activities and behaviors which lowers our self-confidence. Marc draws from over a decade of experience as a life coach and gives us a guide to walk in a more confident person’s footsteps, by changing the confidence killing behaviors.

Final Bolster: How to Grow Self-compassion

15. How To Build Self-esteem (And Does It Even Matter?) ~ by Mark Manson

In this article, Mark Manson, king of the contrarian beliefs, paints a picture of the post World War II America, where the self-esteem movement of the 1960s took its hold. 

He sets the context with a description of the era where “brave American heroes [are] returning home, buying cheesy houses and making tons and tons of babies.” (I demand that this description be declared as historically accurate and be included in textbooks).

It was in this era, Mark asserts, that the psychologists assigned all good outcomes (good grades, gainful employment, high incomes) to high self-esteem and all bad outcomes (crime, teen pregnancy, violent behavior) to low self -esteem. 

Based on this hypothesis, the self-esteem movement emerged. Teachers and administrators started implementing programs to increase self-esteem in youths across the country.

But, a couple of decades later, using better statistical methods, very little correlation was found between self-esteem and desirable qualities like success, work ethic. The findings suggested the contrary.

Mark concludes that self-esteem is a complex and multi-faceted variable and can be a good or bad thing depending on what’s being measured. He then goes on to explain the contexts where measuring self-esteem is healthy and the contexts where it’s downright toxic.

Mark differentiates between healthy and toxic forms of self-esteem and goes on to describe ways to build healthy self-esteem, achieved by accepting our toxic self-esteem with self-compassion and being comfortable with what we lack without beating ourselves up.

Why it stands apart

This article is a take on a complex subject by a skilled wordsmith, which is deep, insightful as well as hilarious. It is a must-read in my opinion.

A Peek Inside the Author’s Mind

[Resilient Human] “Do you think that your description of toxic self-esteem is contrary to that of Nathaniel Branden’s definition of self-esteem? 

I think that the violent criminals and Jimmy the grifter, they really have an abysmally low amount of self-esteem. If someone threatens the integrity of their very fragile fantasy world, where they have imagined themselves as the rulers of the world, they retaliate with violence (the criminal lashes out physically whereas Jimmy deals verbal damage).

So do you really think that one can have “dangerous levels of self-esteem” despite the checks and balances of self-responsibility and accountability of true self-esteem?“

[Mark Manson] “The issue boils down to the definition of self-esteem. The way I defined it in the article is in the classic academic sense. Academia destroyed Branden’s definition when they started gathering data in the 1960s. 

The reason is that you can’t measure Branden’s definition. But you can measure how people feel about themselves, therefore the definition got watered down and ruined. Branden always hated that this happened. I noted this in the first footnote of the article.”

16. How To Build Your Self Esteem ~ by Kris Gage

Kris Gage, in this article, sets about by pointing out what’s wrong with conventional resources online on self-esteem without pulling any punches : 

“I am pretty sure these articles are 100% written by people who have serious self-esteem issues, regurgitated from everyone else who has self-esteem issues, on down the cycle to readers with self-esteem issues, who think it’s just their fault for not being able to apply them and successfully boost their self-esteem.”

Ouch.

She clarifies this further by clarifying what self-esteem isn’t. Self-esteem isn’t selfishness or narcissism, it’s not a series of “dont’s”, and it definitely does not come from others. Self-esteem can also not be found by excessive pampering or by affirmations. 

Instead, Kris asserts that self-esteem can be built only by taking responsibility, being present and aware, knowing our values and what we want, and our actions, decisions, and commitment.

Why it stands apart

Besides being an absolute riot of a read, this article disses out 90% of the noise present out there on the internet, and instead, it zeroes in on the meat – thought processes, mental models and actions that actually help in building self-esteem.

17. How To Improve Self-Esteem: A New Secret From Research ~ by Eric Barker

Eric Barker, in this article, takes the debate between self-esteem vs self-compassion a notch up and lays down a thorough explanation of why self-compassion trumps self-esteem (measured in the academic sense) in every possible manner. 

Eric refers to Kristin Neff’s book “Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself” and argues that compared to self-esteem, self-compassion wins hands down in:

• Reducing anxiety
• Abetting less embarrassment after screwing up
• Feeling more self-worth
• Being less likely to promote narcissism
• Reducing procrastination
• Boosting happiness
• Reducing stress
• Improving romantic relationships.

Why it stands apart

In the world of conformism, Eric takes a bold stance, denounces populist notions and backs up his claims with proofs and actionable steps – all the while keeping the reader entertained.

Let’s Tie this Off with a Few Alternative Takes

18. Doubt Yourself Proudly: Tips on the Psychology of Self-Esteem ~ by Jonathan Cook

In this article, Jonathan explores the classic definition of self-esteem and the problem in its simplicity. He explains that if we consider the self-esteem model as the only model for human nature, it’s akin to “navigating the jungles of Peru with a map of Disneyland.”

Jonathan theorizes how science, or psychology, in particular, has big shoes to fill as a replacement of religion as “the Authority”. The self-esteem model rushed in to fill this vacuum of a dominant model and tried to explain every human behavior into that model, leading to a host of problems. 

He then turns towards “traditional wisdom” of Greek mythology, Hinduism, Buddhism, Christianity, and Judaism for answers, where the consensus contradicts much of the self-esteem movement – where hubris is considered to be a bad thing to have.

Jonathan concludes that rational, genuine and healthy self-respect lies somewhere between the timidity and shame of low self-esteem and the entitlement of narcissistic hubris, which can only come when you know yourself and become yourself.

Why it stands apart

This article stands apart with its sheer depth and the philosophical concepts and phenomena it touches upon – the “Death of God” for instance. 

This is not a read for the squeamish – if you are looking for quick, superficial tips on how to grow your self-esteem, then this article is probably not for you. But if you really want to explore the profundity of a complex topic, then this will be a fascinating read.

A Peek Inside the Author’s Mind

[Resilient Human] “What would be the one key idea, that you’d say, is wrong with the conventional academic self-esteem model and the self-esteem movement?”

[Jonathan Cook] “The main idea to me isn’t that self-esteem is inherently a bad thing – it’s not – but some folks seem to treat it as if it’s the ONLY thing. “What’s most important in life is feeling good about yourself, so I’m going to do what I want, whatever I do is great, and screw everybody else!” – that’s not a good road to go down, in my humble opinion, but it’s almost the default these days. I would say that psychological and emotional health can’t be narrowed down to this one single factor; there are a lot of other factors. But out in the world, it seems that some people treat it as if it’s the only factor.”

19. Letters to a Young Artist: Anna Deavere Smith on Confidence and What Self-Esteem Really Means ~ by Maria Popova

Maria Popova, in this beautiful article of hers, delves into Letters to a Young Artist; a book she describes as a “compendium of counsel addressed to an imaginary young artist” by celebrated artist, actor, playwright, and educator – Anna Deavere Smith.

She begins with a definition of art and an encouraging call to “young brave hearts” to create more of it. She then touches on the ever ephemeral and fragile issue of confidence and self-esteem in artists.

She acknowledges that the foundation of self-esteem is laid down during childhood, but she also emphasizes that we have to take personal responsibility in building our self-esteem, reminding us that “we are the sole custodians of our own center and worth”.

Why it stands apart

This article stands out because of Maria Popova’s distinctive prose and its hyper-focus on artists and creative spirits. It is like an ultra-lite, quick-snack version of Steven Pressfield’s immortal classic “War of Art”.

But wait, that’s not all. 

Since you are committed to improving your self-esteem (you wouldn’t be reading this article till the end otherwise, would you now?) here is one more bonus treat for you – on the house:

20. Own Your Worth ~ by Lewis Howes

Lewis Howes narrates how people value us only as much we value ourselves in this podcast episode.

He recounts a personal story of his struggle days – when he was broke with credit card debt and student loans and with no marketable skills. But he conquered his self-defeating thoughts, picked up new skills and became the force that he is today.

Lewis insists that this was only possible because of the confidence that mastery in a new skill brings, and which, in turn, increases self-worth. 

Lewis concludes that when you invest energy and effort in yourself, you can show up knowing your worth, armed with a new toolbox of skills, and you can start putting energy and effort to add value to the world.

The Way Ahead

Finding quality advice on developing self-esteem can be hard. Much of the information out there is repetitive, ineffective and just plain eye-wash.

But now you have the string that will guide you out of the maze of regurgitated advice. I hope you will find it useful.

No more confusion, frustrations, and feeling lost while trying to find actionable advice on developing self-esteem. 

Use the curated articles to understand what high self-esteem feels like, commit to its growth, avoid the pitfalls and develop self-confidence and self-compassion as a by-product of the process. 

I wish you all the best in your journey ahead. Now go and own your worth.

 

Featured Image by Ayo Ogunseinde on Unsplash