“I’m sold, Subhajit” – you say.
I’ve had it with this approval addiction.
I know I’m struggling with it.
I know the damage it’s doing to me.
And I want to banish it forever from my life.
I’ve seen the case studies that you posted earlier and I want similar results.
But how do I get there?
Well, your prayers have been answered.
In this post, I’m going to share the exact 7-step system I use to help my clients get rid of their approval addiction forever.
Before I tell you about the system, let me start by telling you how I came up with it.
(If you want to skip it and jump to my explanation of the system, scroll past this story. But I think you’ll like to hear it.)
Developing The 7-Step Relationship Reboot – My Story
By now, you already know why I started my journey to kick my approval addiction back in 2018.
(If you don’t, you can read my backstory here).
But let me tell you – the journey was not an easy one.
It was awkward as hell.
I felt like a new child learning to walk. And I stumbled a lot.
I had no one to talk to and no one to turn to for guidance, except for the books and courses.
They were helpful, but only up to an extent.
You see the thing about books and courses, they do give you the knowledge that you need. You understand the problem intellectually and you understand what you need to do.
But with no one to address the exact queries, it doesn’t always feel like the right path to travel.
I’ll give you an example of my struggles when I got started.
So there was this intense clash between my earlier value systems and this new set of value systems that I was trying to cultivate.
I held the old me responsible for my pain.
I thought that I had to completely disown my earlier persona.
So I set out to change everything about myself.
Even the qualities I cherished about myself – kindness, sense of humor, humility.
And when you start to disown parts of yourself, things only get worse.
For a period of time, I started to act like an absolute jerk.
It was always followed by regret and then I had to process the guilt and anxiety.
My relationship with my wife deteriorated.
But somehow, as the amazing woman she is, she bore this phase with kindness, patience, and understanding.
I had tapped into this sea of simmering rage and resentment that I had piled up and shoved down into my subconscious.
This is very normal when you’re dealing with approval addiction.
Because you are used to repressing your anger and putting up a smiling face.
But just because you shoved it in the basement, doesn’t mean it went away.
It’s still lurking there in your subconscious.
Nothing, and I mean absolutely nothing prepares you for that unsurmountable rage.
And now it was staring back at me and I had no clue how to process it.
I started running followed by a rigorous workout routine. That helped a lot
So did creative pursuits like learning to play the violin (I had always wanted to learn how to play an instrument).
But it was all very unstructured.
Some things helped, and some didn’t.
Often I was tempted to go back to my old ways.
Only the immense feeling of pain and betrayal stopped me from doing that. (I didn’t know you could ever be grateful for something like pain. But I am.)
You have to find a way to not get lost in all that rage.
You have to stop blaming yourself.
You have to forgive yourself for all the transgressions you made and the ones that you allowed to happen.
You have to become kinder to yourself.
You have to start liking yourself and even loving yourself.
That’s when the magic starts to happen. That’s when you start to heal.
And that’s where the need for a system and a framework comes in.
It helps you become aware of yourself – about your strengths and weaknesses, your hopes and dreams, your goals, and your values.
Because without that clarity, you will be tempted to fall back to the path of least resistance.
Back to approval addiction.
But once you have them uncovered, they serve as a north star in your journey.
Then you need systems that slowly build up your reserves of confidence and self-esteem.
So that your days feel satisfactory and you can stay kind to yourself.
You need systems to uncover the faulty thoughts that have been holding you back. And you have to replace them with ones that serve you.
You have to develop skills for handling your emotions, building better boundaries, and holding your ground against pushbacks.
You have to build systems that will gradually build up your courage and allow you to face your greatest fears.
And you have to prepare yourself to face the challenges in the future so that you never regress.
So how do you do all of that?
This is where the 7-Step Approval Reboot program was born.
While working with clients, I was able to see the commonalities and develop a real method for each one to go through.
Some clients got results right away when we focussed on their key thought barriers.
Others needed a lot of upfront work with their behaviors and thoughts before they started to see results.
Either way, the system worked better the more I developed it.
It’s a combination of a laser-focused coaching approach paired with cognitive behavioral theories.
And it can be used to deliver results at will, as long as a client is willing to show up and put in the work.
As a result of this system, lives were changed.
People stopped being helpless and powerless. They have become bold, confident, and authentic.
They started speaking up unapologetically, in their relationships, and at their work.
They have put their foot down and enforced their boundaries against their demanding and ungrateful bosses, their spouses, their family members, and their colleagues.
They have regained trust in their own capabilities and resourcefulness.
They have stopped allowing others to speak over them, dominate them, mock them and make them feel small.
In turn, others have stopped overlooking them, started to respect them, and even started to find them attractive and desirable.
So here’s what I do – the byproduct of the thoughts and efforts that I put into this.
The 7-Step Approval Reboot System
This is the system I use with all my clients.
The basic framework is the same, but – we do change the implementation depending on a few things:
- How assertive you are, to begin with?
- How big a role anxiety plays in your day-to-day life?
- What kind of negative thought patterns do you have?
So here’s what the framework looks like:
1. Setting Goals and Getting Started
The first week is the heavy lifting week.
As soon as a client is onboarded, we go into data collection and assessment mode.
We figure out the level of their assertiveness, anxiety levels, and the pattern of negative thoughts.
We refocus their thoughts on things they are good at.
Because your mind often plays dirty tricks. It makes you forget how amazing you really are and focuses on the negative side instead.
We assess six core areas of your life:
- Professional life
- Meaning and purpose
- Day-to-day domestic routine
And finally, we figure out and agree upon the explicit and underlying goals, so that we can measure progress.
2. Changing Behaviours
The second week is focused on clarifying your core values.
Your values are what drive you.
So we get clear on them and then plan activities that will help you stay aligned with them.
This is a crucial step to ensure that your days feel meaningful and satisfactory.
Most people regress here. They neglect this, seek other means of dopamine hits, and get derailed.
So you absolutely need to nail this step.
This in turn will give you the mental energy you need for what’s coming next.
3. Identifying Thought Patterns
Now we are done with the legwork and ready to dive deep.
In the 3rd week, we start by understanding the basics of the cognitive approach.
We understand what emotions really are and how our thoughts affect them.
Then we start to uncover our thought patterns and keep tabs on them.
This is the first step to becoming aware of them.
And everything starts with awareness.
4. Breaking Negative Thought Patterns
This part is really the crux of the 7-Step Approval Reboot System.
By now you are aware of what’s really going on in your mind and you’ve started to notice some problems with your thoughts.
Maybe they are not 100% correct or maybe they tend to exaggerate things.
These faulty thought patterns are known as cognitive distortions.
And in this section, we work towards identifying those patterns and breaking them.
We examine the thought patterns and identify the core beliefs and fears.
We also get rid of the thought patterns that don’t help you and instead choose the ones that make more sense.
This is the section where life-changing breakthroughs happen.
5. Develop Skills
At this point, you have worked towards aligning your behavior with your values.
You have uncovered your faulty thought patterns.
And you have started to replace them with meaningful ones.
Now it’s time to develop some skills and prepare for facing the real world.
There are 5 key skills that you need:
- Assertive communication – How to say what you need to say without becoming too aggressive or too passive.
- Handling stress response – How to stay grounded without being flooded with emotions during difficult conversations
- Self-compassion – How to stay kind and compassionate with yourself when you mess up
- Overcoming social barriers – How to handle the backlash from the people close to you. who will be freaking out because of your changes
- Setting boundaries
6. Facing Fears
The key to getting rid of approval addiction is to teach yourself how to face your deepest fears.
You have already uncovered them in section 4.
Now we face them.
Does this mean immediately you start to scale tall buildings and go out sky diving?
I’m afraid yes (just kidding 🙂).
No, what you do is learn to understand your nature of fear.
And then you create a hierarchy of fear – ranging from ones that feels like a walk in the park to the ones about which even thinking is difficult for you.
And then together we work our way up that ladder.
7. Tying Everything Up
At this point, you would have developed some key habits and skills.
And you should be already starting to see some amazing changes in your life.
More confidence, less anxiety, and more admiration from family and friends.
So now it’s time to look back and see what worked the best, and where we still need some tweaks.
We also plan for the future, so that you can keep making continuous progress even after we stop working together.
The idea here is to plan out a roadmap for the next 7 weeks and even beyond.
This is the roadmap that you will keep visiting whenever you feel stuck.
“There is no peace that lives within us constantly and never leaves us. There is only the peace that must be won, again and again, each new day of our lives.”
Ideally, the entire program will get completed in 8 weeks – with 8 coaching calls spread over the program duration.
But I understand that life sometimes comes in the way.
Sometimes you feel that you still need some more handholding before you feel confident enough to work solo.
That’s why this program comes with a guarantee.
We keep working together until you feel that you are ready enough to face the world alone in this new avatar.
And you don’t have to pay a dime extra for that.
Once you have gone through this program, you have everything that you need.
You have made life-changing upgrades to your thought process and developed key skills.
So from now on your life would be a piece of cake and you will cut through every challenge like a hot knife through butter, right?
Hah, if only…
if you thought that would be the outcome, then let me stop you right there.
You will never become perfectly flawless.
You will mess up, you will take a step backward and you will sometimes fall back to your old patterns.
But the key thing is – you are no longer helpless anymore.
You have the tools, strategies, and techniques to pull yourself up, soothe yourself and get back on track.
And over the years, this process will keep getting easier.
How does that sound?
Do you want this kind of result in your life?
Do you want to banish approval addiction forever from your life?
Do you want to stop feeling helpless and powerless?
Do you want to become bold, confident, and authentic?
Do you want others to stop looking over you and gain their respect?
Then book a call here and let’s figure out if we are a good fit.